Not everybody knows

The pain that I’m feeling in my chest. Sometimes, I wish I could just let it out. But then again, I’m scared it will leave out marks to the certain people. I don’t know lah. Is it because I’m ‘nice’ people are started to treat me badly?

People that I know are not really the type of person I can go to and rant and rant to them endlessly. Sometimes I feel like expressing them how I feel and stuff like that. I just want them to listen! and not say a word about it. Just listen to me talk about my problems and my life and then, I’ll leave. But then, they will always leave an advice and make me feel regretting telling them of my problems.

What I want right now is just talk and talk endlessly of my problems to some people. Anyone. Just to know that there is someone who would have a drink with me and just listen to me. To be there for me when I cry, laugh and mad at the same time about my problems.

I guess I need another me. I need to clone myself. :(

We were a beautiful mistake

This is just a midnight rambling before I’m off to read ‘Not Without My Sisters’.

Friends. They easy come, easy go. Just like Touch and Go.

It’s hard to find really true friends that will stay next to you and stand up for you when people have doubts on you.

Those who have always stood up for me.

I would like to say THANK YOU.

I really appreciate the things you’ve done for me.

Friends forever ..?

There are really no Privacy in our lives anymore.

Remember the days where Wifi was so hard to find and the only way for us to connect to the internet was through dial-up? I remember buying the internet cards. I usually bought the $5 or $10 (If I had enough money) and would use it until it ran out. Back in those days, I didn’t have Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr or Blogs. I just used the internet as a source to play games (Ragnarok Online or games on the net) and chatting (mirc).

Talking about mirc and RO, make me miss those stuff. But.. Imma write a post about it soon.

Anyway.. Before those websites were created, people mostly expressed their feelings by jotting it down on diary or ‘Journal’ (cause saying ‘diary’ sounded as if it’s a girly thing). I remember at least every year I must buy a diary and wrote down whatever happened in my life before I went to sleep. Even a short note like “I miss seeing you” was enough for a day. Those were the starting point of having a crush. Lol.

I remember seeing my diary as my confidante and my best friend. She was there when I feel the urge to let out all my emotions. She didn’t talk. She was .. there. To listen.

But now, with creative invention such as FB, Twitter, Blog and Tumblr, People don’t really write on Diary. They rather let it all out on public.

Feelings and daily whereabouts are used to be categorized as ‘Private’. But now, people are more than welcome to express their feelings. Their dissatisfaction, Satisfaction and etcetera etcetera etcetera.

I do use Twitter as a place for me to express my feelings. However, I set a boundary as not to hurt other people’s feelings and not to make it too obvious. I wrote down my feelings and whatever it is in general matter. Because I feel uneasy when people that barely know me in real life asked me certain questions that I would honestly answer only to my closest friends. And usually I tweet on the songs, celebrities, movies and stuff like that.

Don’t get me wrong. I have no grudge , hatred or whatsoever towards people who tweet very personal things cause that’s their tweet. But, I just feel that now, we are not ashamed of ourselves. From my point of view, people are now trying so hard to be ‘an internet superstar’. Everyone trying so hard to be famous and stuff. That’s just downright scary!

Pasta Mania!

I’ve been craving for Pasta nowadays. Had one at Italiannies but I’m still not satisfied! Something’s not right with my stomach and appetite now. Hmm.. I think I need to go for more Pasta day this week.

Can I ace it?

The biggest question in my mind when it comes to my own mother tongue language, Malay. I’ve always been scared to study my own language cause I think I rarely use proper Malay whenever I write or talk. I tend to mix it with English.

This has been a lifetime problem. Ever since in Primary 1, when we study Malay, I never got to fully understand it unlike English. It’s quite shameful that I’m weak in my own mother tongue. I mean, I get the idioms and singular/plural, and those grammar stuff. The thing that really bugs me the most are ; Spelling and Essay.

Essays are the tough one to do. Compared to do it in English, I found it’s easier to write than in Malay. I always have a very tough time to write a simple essay. Sometimes, I don’t know how to start and end it. Therefore, I tend to write the opening and conclusion way longer than I have to. Sometimes, I have to translate the sentence in my brain before writing it down in Malay. That’s why I will use “ “ If I can’t find a proper Malay word to the English word of it.

And I guess, from now on, I’ll be reading some Malay materials. And by that, I do not mean Malay romance novels as it tends to not broaden my minds and, the Malay usage is not quite standard.

Mother

Today, the whole world is celebrating MOTHER’S DAY.

It’s a tragic that I’m back in Malaysia a day before the celebration. Though we did a small celebration of it earlier, the feel wasn’t the same.

…

Mama, Thank you.

When I was a baby, You took care of me well. You’ve always been there for me. It doesn’t matter whether it’s middle of the night or 3am, when I cried for milk, you would wake up and fed me. You were there to bathe me 3 times daily and changed my diapers and clothes without any complaints.

When I was a toddler, You were the witness when I first uttered a word and step. You were too, there to bathe me 3 times daily and changed my diapers and clothes without any complaints. You still breastfed me until I’m old enough to drink from a bottle.

As I was growing up as a curious child, You were my teacher. The one who taught me ABC and 123. The one who taught me how to recite Al – Fatihah and few other ayats. The one who taught me how to tie my shoes and wear my clothes properly. You still bathe me, until I’m old enough to bath on my own.

When I was preparing for Kindergarten, You bought all the school uniforms and stationeries for me. You helped me pick out school bag and shoes. You did my hair until I was in Primary 3. You prepared food for me for the recess. You watched me went off to school with daddy. That was our first farewell.

When I was in Primary, You did the same routine as in Kindergarten. You were my teacher. A patient teacher. You helped me do my homework until I finished it. You did my art works because I was terrible at it , and all that left for me was to colour it. You would scold me If I behaved badly. If I didn’t listen, I’d get a ‘lovely surprise’ or two from your hand. But I know you did it out of love.

When I was in Primary 6, extremely nervous for my first big exam, You were there as my number 1 cheerleader. You’d helped me by giving me past year papers to do and such. When I first got my tonsil, You were there to make sure I took my medication and make sure I was well enough to study though you and the rest of the family made fun of my ‘robotic’ voice. I made you and daddy proud of my result, Straight As. I still remembered you hugged me and cried. You congratulated me. I was happy for myself because I have made you and daddy proud of me.

When I was in Secondary, I was slowly turning as the typical rebellious teenager. However, you and daddy were so calm in raising us 3 teenagers and 1 kid. You would give me good advices and talk about religion stuff that I never listened back in the days. When it was time for me to face my second big exam (Secondary 3), you would made me hot milo or nescafe at night while I was studying. You would wake me up early morning (before subuh) so I could continue my study. And again, I didn’t disappoint you and daddy when I got good result for my PMB.

When it was time for me to enter Secondary 4, you and daddy had a bigger plan for me. You and daddy were about to send me off to KTJ. A 2.5 hour plane ride and an hour ride from Cyberjaya. As a 14 year old teen, I didn’t quite know what you and daddy plan was. I thought I was going to be cast out for having a boyfriend at that young age. At that time, I decided to break up with him so you and daddy won’t sent me off. I thought it was my fault. I thought you and daddy didn’t love me anymore. But, boy.. With a good grades and stuff, I was quite stupid too. Haha. I  know what you and daddy did was a good thing for my future. You and daddy wanted a good and secure future for me.

And now.. Alhamdulillah. You and daddy had raised Hanani, Hafiz, me and, Mazni well. The 3 of us are now in University. Just another step to make you guys proud of us.

Mama, Thank you. Again.

For being such a strong, wonderful, loving, caring mother.

You’re a Wonder Woman in my life. There is NO ONE that could ever replace you.

I would forever be thankful for whatever that you’ve done for me.

I wish I could tell you in person, mama. I really wish I could.

But you know that our love for you is to death! And this is just a small proof of my love to you!

I love you, mama.

Mama’s 50th Birthday

Taken back in Form 3. –xoxo-